Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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