Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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