My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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