so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
