Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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