hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
