my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
