i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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