remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
