??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
