just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
