Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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