Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
