i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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