i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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