Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
