Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
