Someone shit on the floor
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
