We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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