Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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