Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
