that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
