Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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