I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
