I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
ttyl tear gas
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
