im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Is it penis luge time yet?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
