also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
