Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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