So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
