yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
