My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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