Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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