Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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