Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
