you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
