I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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