woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
