no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
