I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
