He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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