So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
