My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
