I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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