hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
