I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
