Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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