i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You're earring is so big in my mouth
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
