I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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