the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
