I CAN MOONWALK!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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