Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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